In the depths of the dark
And the deep of the night,
All of the voices creep in.
The fear and the dread
And the face of lost love
All get under my skin.
The tears roll down,
And the bed grown cold,
All where you used to lay,
Gone are the hopes
And gone are the dreams,
Only the memories stay.
These words describe exactly where I’m at; I couldn’t have put it better myself, it’s as if it was written about me! I’ve just spent the last two days writing my novel that is in progress;two glorious days of losing track of the time absolutely engrossed in the process, stopping only to refill my mug of tea. I never imagined myself here at this stage of my life changing everything. But I’m still here regardless and for that I’m grateful.
Today I kept moving. Even in my stillness I kept moving. Even in the silence I kept moving. I spent my day in quiet contemplative thought, except for the conversation with God in the shower and the brief phone call from a friend breaking the loud silence.
The movie I went to see last night, played over and over in my mind with all of its messages. God was talking and I was listening. I have paid attention to the constant incoming messages that have interrupted my thoughts during the day. Messages from friends checking in to see how I am doing, messages making plans for weekend get togethers or mid week coffee, promises of hikes in the beautiful Fall sunshine, all have reminded me that life is moving.
My thoughts have been all over the place today but for that I am so very grateful because it means I am still on that bicycle. I’m riding slowly and steadily but I’m still moving.
Not quite ready to return home, she headed for her favourite spot, her respite from the world, a little book store, akin to a library where its readers whisper in hushed tones. She wandered amongst the empty aisles searching for the one book that would speak to her. They always do, with the way they feel in her hands as she caresses their covers. She always knows. ‘Escaping into the Open’ by Elizabeth Berg, the art of writing true, how perfect she thought. Not willing to head out into the world outside her sanctum, even though it was the most glorious Fall day with its warmth of colour, she walked into the coffee shop attached to the book store. She had every intention of opening her new purchase and sipping on her tea as she settled down at the long wooden table partially occupied with men engrossed in their work on their laptops. She couldn’t help but became enthralled with the two women, engaged in each other’s company at the opposite table, speaking in less than hushed tones. It was a refreshing back and forth of compliments bestowed upon the older of the two women that caught her attention; her companion in awe of her high cheek bones and how she wanted to capture her “Pierre Elliot Trudeau” looks on camera. She found herself smiling at this delightful unfolding of a moment captured forever on film. The young photographer saw her smiling and brought her into their banter asking if she agreed with her observation. How could she possibly say anything but, “Yes, her smile is beautiful”, the subject then proving her correct as her eyes lit up with delight. Eventually the camera was handed over after much begging and the moment captured in time. The subject then became the photographer as the roles were reversed as they continued their appreciation for one another; offering up small glances my way as if they needed me in their moment of sharing. From somewhere in her quiet observations the words, “Would you like me to take a photo of the both of you together?” came out of her mouth making her realize how intertwined the moment had become. It meant telling them her name and that no her name wasn’t in fact “Auburn” as was suggested or even “Lucille Ball”. She understood the reference to the colour of her hair but not wanting to seem rude she just smiled at the memory of Lucille stuffing chocolates into her mouth when she could no longer keep up with the packing of them into boxes. They were equally thrilled with their smiling images that looked back at them in the photograph thanking her profusely and using her name. They returned back to their intimate world of conversing with one another and she continued to sip on her tea, opening up the first page of her book before escaping into the open.
I felt you close to me, rousing me from my sleep, laying your head on my breast with a look of satisfaction in your eyes. My temperature rose as my chest was consumed with your love. These early morning moments were becoming more frequent. It’s almost as if you sense my need for intimacy as you reach out to touch me; your soft noises close to my ear. Your closeness is comforting.
I glanced over at the clock and blearily saw 4:30am . I know you love me, I feel it, or do you love me only for what I can give you.
Cats are such fickle creatures of the night.
Singing with the Shout Sister choir last night was just what I needed. It’s so uplifting to just sing for 2 hours. I find myself looking forward to Tuesday evenings and wish there were more of them in the week!
It’s not just about the singing, it’s the women with whom I have chosen to be surrounded by. Strong, individual, like-minded females who are just as passionate as I am. The sound is powerful. The room filled with voices all in harmony. The words to every song ringing true in my ear. Last week I couldn’t get past the first line of ‘Lean On Me’ before the emotions took over and I was in a flood of tears. This week I sang knowing that those women and I were singing to each other; no tears, but meaningful words of support and strength. The knowing glances as we applied the lyrics to our own experiences, the shared smiles at the sheer joy of the song, all put goosebumps on my skin as we watched for our cue to finish.
One of the songs we sing isn’t particularly my favourite. I do a bit of moaning every time we’re told it’s the next one we’re going to practise. As I was singing, I became aware of all the parts of the song, the words, the harmonies and the melody. The harmonies sounded so beautiful and way more fun than the lead that I was singing. Why am I staying in one place when I can sing a different part? Such a great question to ask of myself at this moment in time. That’s the great thing about singing in Shout Sister Choir, you’re encouraged to sing any part you are comfortable with doing with every single song. So with that thought, I will be practising a new part for next week so that I may have a fuller appreciation for that particular piece of music.
As the evening drew to a close I found I wasn’t ready for it to be over; two hours had just flown by. I wanted more! I know the feeling of being on a runner’s high; that moment when you hit your stride, all of it falling into place as it becomes effortless. Is there such a thing as a singer’s high? I think so, as I hit it last night. Shout sister and sing your heart out!