Today is for quiet reflection. Saying goodbye was truly hard and headache inducing from the tears I’m still shedding. We may not be married anymore but we share a lifetime of memories and raising amazing children. We loved and lost Matthew. Grieved and supported. Through our journey together we have overcome the bitter taste of divorce and can now sit side by side in comfortable conversation; laughing and sharing a familiarity while we still continue to support our children.
You rebuilt the ugly kitchen while I tended our garden. I drew the pictures of cabinets and fireplaces and you created them. I sewed curtains and made cushion covers. You stayed up late to paint. We listened as newly installed brick faces fell and scared the new hardwood floors. We built a home and raised a family. Memories both sad and good, but still lots of memories filling our home. You rode off on your motorbike today the way you rode into my life, filling my heart with love. My heart is full today.
For all the hatred in this world, fighting and killing, PEACE is absent. For all those who believe that ex -partners cannot remain friends, FORGIVNESS is absent. Without both of those things, LOVE cannot exist. My mind is at peace, my heart has healed and forgiven (and been forgiven) and so here I sit, filled with LOVE and I am GRATEFUL. Grateful that over the years our ‘romantic’ love changed and evolved into what it is today. An APPRECIATION for one another as human beings, a NEW kind of love, a QUIET love. A love always x
Words flew around in my head forming sentences as the wind played with my hair. They became clearer as the creativity reignited; fueled by the warmth of the sun kissing my face. Solitude for me is as important as breathing. I can feel it energizing me with an overwhelming sense of peace. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you but to me it’s everything.
The peace replaces the zinging inside me that comes with not nurturing my creative side. I become paralyzed and unable to complete a thought, I get writers block, I become blind to the endless photographic qualities in the every day things, I grit my teeth with stress and wake up countless times in the night and all because I haven’t made time for myself. Alone time. Solitude. Peace and tranquility.
Today at church Pastor Dave spoke about wisdom. Where do we find it? How do we apply it to our lives? Are we making wise choices that come from Him or are we merely listening to our own inner voices that convince us that we are making a wise choice?
On my way home from visiting with my oldest son in Hamilton I found myself being pulled into the garden centre. A place for me that once offered tranquility and peace as I filled my cart with plants and flowers to transform my garden into a haven of blooming colours. My garden was a place where I found the silence comforting; just me and the warmth of the earth beneath my fingernails. But ever since I moved into my condo nearly 2 years ago I have avoided all garden centres with their glorious colours and their reminders of what I no longer had the space for.
Today, He led me down the garden path. The path that led me in with new eyes. I saw the colours again in all their spectacular glory. I breathed in the fresh air and all the beauty of the everyday accessories displayed so artfully. I took out my iPhone to snap photographs and began to see things clearer through the lens of it’s camera. I walked up and down every single aisle, soaking up the peace that filled me (I wonder how many others heard me let out a huge sigh) With the zinginess blown away in the wind I had found my solitude’s reward.
What a wise choice that was made today, but somehow I don’t quite believe it was my doing. God led me down the garden path today and I followed.
Being a depressive, negative nelly is not the same as being depressed. Believe me, I know that depressive person who always sees the glass half empty; he describes himself as a ‘realist’….. mmm…. ok. I’m the 1 out of 4 women in my age category who has been diagnosed with depression. I don’t SUFFER with depression. I HAVE depression! You wouldn’t hear people say “I suffer with diabetes”, so I choose to call it like it is. I’m not making light of the diagnosis in the slightest. I’m OWNING my depression so it doesn’t own me. It doesn’t define WHO I am but merely is in my D.N.A.
My brain doesn’t work the same as a person without depression and no I can’t “just snap out of it” or “think positive thoughts”. Depression doesn’t work like that. Wouldn’t that be a great way to fix things!
No, I am not particularly happy (haha I’m so funny) that God chose this path for me but then maybe I should feel grateful and see this as my chance to help educate others first hand on depression, what it is and what they can do.
No, this is not Mental Health Issues Awareness Day. You didn’t miss the memo at work to post things on your Facebook wall or to wear a dark blue ribbon or to fly a flag to show your support. I don’t believe in those things. I believe the change begins when you educate yourself about the issue, read about it, talk about it, share your experience with those around you. (I’m always amazed at just how many others like me are out there!) Even if I educate just one person then I’ve made a difference. O.K so maybe those things mentioned before do get people talking or asking what the blue ribbon is for.
You don’t need to treat me any different. I’m still me. However, DO NOT EVER and I will say it again, NEVER EVER tell me to ‘buck up’, ‘put a smile on your face’ or ‘cheer up’; it doesn’t work like that. Nor does ‘go out and socialize, you know you will have a good time and will feel better’. Sorry people, if only it was that easy!
No, WHAT I NEED is to make sure I take my prescribed medication EVERY SINGLE DAY just like the diabetic who needs to check their insulin level, I need my neurotransmitters to be on full fire up and balanced so my brain works just like yours (I call them my ‘Happy Pills’ hahaha)
I always knew there was a reason I hated the long dark cold winters. I don’t just MISS the sunshine my body REACTS to the lack of sunshine DRAMATICALLY. So along with my ‘Happy Pills’ I have my ‘Sunshine in a Bottle’ from Shoppers Drug Mart (vitamin D) and my determination to keep going. Smiling or not.
I have the ‘morning after glow’ today. You know, perma grin and a satisfied air about me. It’s been a long while since I’ve felt like this and I want it to last.
Yesterday my home was filled with children and their partners rounded up from their busy lives. They sat in the living room all talking and laughing together, reminiscing, sharing new stories and re-connecting their lives once again. I stood in the kitchen witnessing it all, baking their favourite cookies, and apple blossom desserts for our meal; the air filled with love and delicious aromas. The oven was in constant use as the desserts were replaced by a fat turkey and all the fixings of our traditional Thanksgiving meal cooked with family recipes.
While the turkey sizzled and browned to perfection, I took my children to the advanced polling station, feeling proud not only as the last of my offspring placed her vote for the very first time but because I can; a privilege of living in a country where we have a voice.
I got to fill my stomach with a delicious Thanksgiving meal for a second time as the previous evening I had spent it sitting around a dear friends table beside her family, partaking in their celebrations and family traditions.
My home is filled with fresh flowers, plates of home baked goodies and leftover turkey in the fridge for those must have turkey, stuffing cranberry sandwiches that once introduced, joined our list of traditions. My oldest son is home for the remainder of the week. Thank-you ‘Reading Week’. I am so very thankful my house is clean, my children are fed and I have a gym membership.
May the calories burn and the memories stay and not the other way around!
They multiply in the night, each one attempting to crowd the other one out by standing ever so slightly in front of their neighbour, all of them jostling for space on the corner.
You know what I’m talking about; those damn election signs that are overtaking our otherwise beautiful city. If it’s not the advertisements showing us all how they are so very talented at tearing the other party down instead of telling us what their plan might be, or the phone calls asking for your vote…. no wait, I cured that one with telling them that yes they have my vote so they make a note not needing to call me further oh and so sorry but I live in a condo and they don’t allow placing any signage…… that will have you wishing the Thanksgiving Day weekend away it will be those damn signs!
Not just one mind you. This morning I counted six, from the same party, all placed one after the other; you know, just in case you missed seeing one through five! The Green Party no less. Go figure! That should help the environment when they all end up in the landfill!
Ok. so I admit, as teenagers, my sister and I, taking on a friends paper route while they were on holiday, found creative ways to unload the freebie newspapers faster. We gave you six chances to cut out the coupons didn’t we?
So what’s the purpose of six election signs all placed six feet apart? Yes, yes I know, I noticed them didn’t I, I hear you telling me. No, seriously. It makes me wonder if your loyal followers can’t be bothered to find an empty spot to stick your signs. Oh wait, THERE AREN’T ANY!! (if you don’t include the one I’m thinking of)
Swallowing razor blades throat
Haiku! Haiku! Cold