Stepping on the scales this morning in her all glory she notices the reflection in the mirror of a woman who doesn’t match the feelings inside. There’s a less roundness to the middle and her facial features are more defined. Her collarbone is slightly more obvious and her summer tan lines remind her of that day at the beach, collecting ocean washed shells and forgetting to put on sunscreen. She beams as she notices the numbers that coincide with all her hard work. She never thought she would find herself looking forward to a routine at the gym of all places; a chance to clear her negative thoughts and to run on a treadmill to angry songs, helping her to quieten that ever present voice in her head.
Wrapping herself back into the comforts of her worn bathrobe, she heads for the kitchen to start her morning with the obligatory cup of tea, finding comfort in the routine. Waiting for the kettle to boil she picks up her journal to record the loss of weight. The weight of an incredible pain and loss that is a daily reminder every time she picks up the phone and it’s not him, every time a text message ‘pings’ it’s way over the network bringing her back into her reality that a bill needs to be paid. The weight of being told she is no longer loved hangs heavily in her heart.
She is in constant motion, keeping the stillness of the early evening at bay so it doesn’t come barrelling in like the waves on the shore crashing in on the silence. She choreographs her entire day to occupy her mind, the need to crowd out the old memories with new becoming her obsession. The teacup warms her chilled hands and permeates through her body offering a small comfort to the start of her day.
Flashbacks to high school days standing next to the coveted radiator for warmth, blushing when she caught site of him looking at her. Searching for him in the phonebook on a return to her hometown with her husband and small children in tow. Connecting with him through an old high school site that started years of emailing back and forth, sharing life stories together. Hearing his voice on the other end of the phone, over miles of oceans and a life time of being apart. All those years just melting away along with her heart as he tells her the story of how he tracked her down, his knees buckling when she picked up the receiver.
The noise of the dishwashers water sloshing around brings her wandering thoughts back to the moment, a reminder to get up off the sofa and to carry on. Carry on with the weight loss……..