Scared Shitless

54d7fa71e23cf93b9a5b0c678fd9387e  I’m freaking out! I have a colonoscopy booked for this week and to be honest, I’m scared. I’m not scared of the results, funnily enough. I will deal with whatever comes my way. I always do. It’s the preparation for it I’m freaking out over! The last time I had to have a clearing out of my insides I was in a bad way. I remember being so ill on the toilet and incredibly close to passing out that my son had to come and help me, in all my glory, poor boy. No boy should ever see his mama like that! I’m frightened of that feeling again. As much as I am a strong woman; I’ve handled more than my fair share of heartache and pain, it just doesn’t change the way I am feeling now. The idea of putting things into my body that I then have no control over scares the shit out of me (and yes I’m making crass jokes even though I really don’t find it funny at all).

I trust the technicians and the Doctors who will be performing the entire procedure but I don’t think I will feel totally fine and ok until the whole thing is over and done with and I’m back home, safely tucked up into bed resting! Sometimes modern medicine is a marvel; the very thought that a camera can be inserted into my innards and ‘see’ what is going on is a complete miracle. Now if only they could do it WITHOUT all the preparation needed beforehand I would be even more impressed!

To say I’m worrying over nothing isn’t quite true as there are risks involved, as there are with any medical procedure, but it’s the preparation beforehand that has me all in a tizzy! Having IBS (D)  I’m used to explosive bathroom trips. I think I am familiar with the whereabouts of every bathroom in town! The people closest to me know that plans can, and will, suddenly change if a flare up occurs and I’m suddenly incapacitated (stuck on the loo in other words!). I do generally have some sort of warning of these imminent trips, some more uncomfortable than others. It’s become a way of life, albeit not a particularly lovely one. I seriously can’t remember a time when it wasn’t this way. So, here I am at this point in my life, where my symptoms are so severe they’re preventing me from working. So why wouldn’t I want to have an exploratory procedure to see if there is a better way of living? Maybe something can change and it will alter my life to one of more comfort (and less toilet roll!) who knows? But believe me when I say, I would rather give birth than to go through this! At least there is a beautiful little bundle of joy to hold afterwards!

When the only way to observe my miles of intestines is to go without eating for 24 hours on top of drinking something that clearly shouldn’t be made into a drink, I question it all!

Now can we just skip to the part where I am all done with this week please?

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